The youthful service rep studied my phone from a safe distance, as one would any dinosaur, then bravely picked it up and placed a test call. “Works fine,” he said, “Let me see you try.” I did. Same problem as before. “Aha! What did I tell you?!” I snorted. The rep just smiled. “Sir, you’re pushing the wrong button.”

I knew that (not). Okay, so I’m probably not ready for a smart phone and may never be. Even relatively low IQ feature phones bedevil me at times. Ineptitude aside, I have a valid reason for sticking with my clunky feature phone, even if doing so subjects me to the sneers of the over-educated, under-employed, 4 roommate-per-dwelling-unit Millennial snots who staff and/or habituate tech stores. I refer to privacy concerns which pose a threat to the public — and a PR UXB (unexploded bomb) waiting to detonate beneath their instigators: Apple and Google.

Unless you’ve slept under a log the last year, you should recall last April’s “Invasiongate,” wherein British researchers revealed that iPhones and many iPads contain a file that tracks the user’s precise geographic coordinates, adding a time stamp so that someone — who?, one wonders — can see exactly where you’ve been and when you’ve been there. Further, when either device is sync’d up with an Apple computer, the location data is transferred.

At the time, Android users hooted that their smart phones didn’t subject users to the same location snooping. But now Android customers — and for that matter, anyone who uses Google services — can no longer feel superior to Apple where privacy matters are concerned.

As of this week, Google has changed its privacy policies so that the company can track users as they move across Google’s web sites, including the main search engine, Gmail and YouTube. Google stressed that the change only applies to customers who are signed on to their Google accounts, which seems obvious enough. Here’s the catch: Customers who use Google’s Android OS for their smart phones and tablets are always signed on. Otherwise the devices would not work as intended — you can hardly use the smart features of your Android-powered phone without first logging in, right?

Net net, Google now will be able to track what Android users do on the phone, and blend that data with what it already knows about these customers from their visits to Google sites.

As usual, Google justifies its action in the name of better understanding its users, providing a superior experience, and not incidentally, adding to its power to build exquisitely detailed customer profiles, the better to sell targeted advertising. Some customers might squawk over the inability to opt out. After all, many use their smart phones in both their business and personal lives. As of now, though, Google won’t distinguish between the two. They “got ya” and they “know all about ya” — whether you like it or not.

For whatever reason — apathy maybe — the above violations of personal privacy are no big deal to most iPhone and Android users. To date, few other than journalists and those who monitor privacy issues have paid any mind to mobile location data caching or Google’s quest to be the Web’s version of the almighty Eye in The Sky. Giving Google a free pass is something of a habit. Two years ago, when bloggers caught Google gobbling Wi-Fi network names as its vehicles roamed the world snapping Street View photos, hardly a soul complained, even when Google snatched up user names and passwords.

How long will it be before Apple and Google wear out their welcome in our personal lives? At some point it’s just possible that either or both companies will cross the line and commit some privacy blunder that alienates even the most ardent fans. Remember the uproar over the U.S. Department of Transportation’s airport scanners that produced “clothes-less” views of airline passengers at security checkpoints? Something similar could happen to everyone’s favorite pair of tech companies, too, depending on just how far and hard they’re willing to push.

I’m not waiting for that day. To me, the app has not yet been invented that makes it worthwhile to give any company or anyone “Peeping Tom” status in the lives and businesses of others. I’ve already opted out.

Jim Crawford is the president and founder of Crawford PR and the author of Black Box Blog, where he offers hard-earned perspective on public relations for the tech and telecom industries.

Unlike the Federal Communications Commission and Capitol Hill, the DoJ — one of the two regulatory bodies responsible for reviewing the merger — operates behind closed doors. You can’t schedule an appointment to meet with these guys. You can’t lobby them. They may call you in for questioning, but that’s as far as any relationship goes. Up until the moment the DoJ takes action, their intentions are a mystery to the public. Ergo, claiming a PR victory from the DoJ’s decision against the merger, or if you’re in AT&Ts’ camp, blaming PR for what happened, is guesswork.

This week, the New York Times’ Steven Davidoff offers insights on how AT&T might still salvage the merger. Part of of the mix he says AT&T must consider includes “a big public relations push to convince regulators.” True enough (for both sides), but what matters most is what gets pushed.

As AT&T prepares for its day in court later this month, many observers predict its willingness to offer major concessions that whittle away at the DoJ’s concerns over the merger creating undue market concentration.

All fine and well, but the winner in this fight will be whomever gets to and harps on the core issue: economic impact on the customer. If the merger is approved, what will happen to mobile rates — will they go up or down?  It’s surprising that neither side has funded an independent economic study of the merger’s financial impact on businesses and consumers, or if they have, done any effective PR on such findings.

Once that’s done: Case closed.

According to a recent survey, 4 out of 5 consumers are clueless on the meaning of “cloud computing.” Even those who make frequent use of cloud apps haven’t the least idea what this “cloud” is. It’s not hard to find the reason. Except in business and trade press, PR and advertising are flying in a cloud bank.

Take Microsoft’s recent “To the Cloud!”ads. Each ad is a cute set-up of a classic problem/resolution, e.g., the mom who has trouble taking a decent family portrait, or the couple stuck in an airport with a lot of downtime. The solution: “To the cloud!” The ads provide a good demo of the apps available via cloud computing, but what “the cloud” is remains a mystery. The ads might just as well shout “To the moon!” or “To the beach!”

Quite by accident, I recently had the opportunity to test consumer awareness of “the cloud.” The subject of my informal research: a young lady who works as an accountant for a $50 million/year non-profit, owns a smart phone and uses Gmail. In other words, somebody who’s fairly tech savvy.

I asked how her day had gone at the office and she frowned, “lousy — I was working on a massive spreadsheet, thought I’d saved it, then discovered that half my data had vanished.”

“Why don’t you switch to cloud computing?” I asked. “That way your data is always backed up and even though big cloud computing services like Amazon’s sometimes go down, your documents are always safe and secure.”

She had no idea what I was talking about.

So I went to my PC, opened up Gmail, showed her how to click on “Documents” and enter Google’s free cloud computing service to input, save and share data in any format. She “got it” immediately, was delighted and swore she’d suggest cloud computing at the next weekly staff meeting. Chalk up one new convert. Was that so hard?

It struck me that this problem of mass unfamiliarity with cloud computing comes down to a very fundamental PR issue: pigeon-holed communications. PR on cloud computing is typically done in one of three flavors: (1) very high level campaigns like Microsoft’s that sell the apps without explaining the underlying service; (2) highly technical coverage in trade media like Cloud Computing Journal; or (3) business media coverage that assumes the audience already understands “the cloud.”

If vendors expect cloud computing to succeed with consumers the way it has with business customers, they need to come down to earth and present “the cloud” in simple English. Sooner or later, marketing teams will wise up. The same people who tried to sell us “VoIP” before defaulting to “voice” will one day part the clouds and find “data.”

People forget that for all its nonsense — massive cash “burn rates”; business toddlers as CEOs; angels funding any “.com” idea; megabuck Super Bowl ads by companies that soon vanished; and the worst merger in history (AOL/Time Warner) — the dot.com era gave us some of today’s most successful companies: Amazon, eBay, Google and Paypal, to name a few.

Who or what will be the next Amazon and Google? It’s anybody’s guess, but if you’re an exciting new venture the odds are that when you hear that question you pipe right up, “We will be!”

If you’re “the one” you will, like your predecessors, find that the greater part of your market power stems from PR and effective use of the media. For that you’ll need expert help from an agency that knows its business as well as you know yours. The trick is in picking the agency that’s right for you. Here are a few pointers:

• Lots of Fish in the Sea. Tech PR agencies themselves are more prolific than in the 90s, ergo you have more and better choices. Previously, startups often resorted to “Top 10″ agencies that were new to the field — amateurs, really, that treated technology as a sideshow to their mainstream business. Today startups have a much better selection, including smaller and mid-size agencies that may specialize in your niche. Take your time and run through all the checklist items below. Don’t let anyone pressure you or hurry your decision.
• Kindred Mentality. You wouldn’t marry your polar opposite, would you? So why hire it? It’s essential that your agency not only know your business and industry, but also think and act like you. For most startups, agencies with an entrepreneurial mindset make the best union. Wed a mismatch and you’ll waste valuable time divorcing them before you can start over, hopefully next time with your “true love” in PR.
• Journalistic Savvy. Good agencies always have someone on staff with a strong background in journalism. Why that matters: Marketing types are very creative but sometimes get carried away by their own ideas, while journalists have the focus (and, to be frank, the skepticism) to “cut to the chase” — defining and shaping your story based on the merits that will attract the interest of media and customers alike.
• Good Sales Skills. PR is not only about great ideas and winning stories, but also the knowledge of how to sell them and to whom. Like its sister discipline sales, PR requires in-depth knowledge of the customer, who for PR people is the journalist or social media “key influencer.”  Your account team must know the prospects most likely to take your story and run with it, and have strong relationships to make sure that the “sale is closed,” i.e., the coverage happens.
• The Ever-Evolving Realm of Media. The changes that have overtaken media are worth a dozen or more blogs, and can’t all be covered here today. Suffice it to say that media is a different world from 10, 5 or even 2 years ago. In some ways it’s smaller — traditional media have contracted and those that survive have done so primarily by going digital. In other ways media is a much bigger universe thanks to the explosion of social media venues. Your agency needs to be adept in both the traditional and new media realms. Don’t make the mistake of thinking one type of media rules over another. They’re all important, each in its own way.
• You’re the Media, Too. Increasingly, journalists, bloggers and other news hounds and feature scribblers rely on social media for story ideas. Often they take their lead directly from companies’ social media programs, and expect those firms to both follow and interact with them. How do you ensure your startup is “linked in” with media in a meaningful way? Pick an agency that is: (1) well-versed in web design to ensure your site is worth visiting; (2) knowledgeable in search engine optimization to attract the right targeted audiences; and (3) skilled in building robust social media programs. They should also be on top of services like HARO (“Help a Reporter Out”) that post story opportunities in tech and other sectors throughout the day.
• Experience Matters. Exciting new markets attract opportunists and scam artists of all types looking to make a buck, and PR is no exception. Sometimes the “come on” is a big name in your own niche, or in a hot field like social media, or even from the media itself. All that glitz is irrelevant compared to one overriding concern: the agency’s track record. Check out the agency’s PR bona fides by reviewing case studies and talking to client references.
• Turnover Rate. Getting fired by a client is part of any business and no sin in itself, but if it happens a lot that can be a sign of trouble. Maybe the agency is better at winning new business than at serving and keeping it. Maybe they view clients as projects and front-load their billing with the expectation that they’ll get the boot in a year and then — yikes! — move on to work for your competitor. Ask about the average tenure of client relationships, with examples.
• Set Concrete Objectives. PR agencies do one thing well: build awareness and mind share. That market recognition, in turn, should have a cascading set of benefits that serve your business mission. So. . .what is your mission? — gaining a toehold in selected markets, driving sales, winning a policy fight that opens new markets, or attracting a nice fat buyout after X number of years? Be specific and completely candid with your agency about your goals — and demand that they specific on how they can help.
• Regularly Measure Results Against Objectives. You’ve hired an agency. Now what? From the beginning, set quarterly reviews to measure progress and adjust PR programs as needed, or if you question the results, to provide the data needed to determine whether it’s time for a different agency.
• Results Not Excuses. Can you see a difference in your public profile in the first 90 days?  Does it continue to grow? Most importantly, is PR doing what you expected it would do? You want to be able to say to yourself, “Thanks to the agency, we are building recognition that drives sales” or “The agency made all the difference in winning a policy battle critical to our business” or “Our healthy acquisition price is a credit to our PR.” What you don’t want: week-after-week of seeing this phrase on reports — “Agency following up,” often abbreviated to “Agency f/u.” That pretty much says it all. It’s an excuse, not a result.

If you’re a startup looking for an agency, the above points should help get you started. If you have questions, give us or any tech PR agency a call. The best ones love to talk to people with exciting ideas.

Now, you Googles and eBays of the future — go break a leg!

The same holds true in PR.

When headlines blare disaster, many companies rein in communications programs, figuring it’s a waste of time to promote during a time of negative customer sentiment. “Cluck cluck.” They make a mad dash for the chicken coop to wait out the storm. I love it when that happens. It means the competition has given up and gone home, leaving a clear field for our clients.

Time after time we’ve helped companies grow to dominate their space during economic hard times, and we get a big boost when faint-hearted competitors refuse to put up a fight. On occasion, clients’ VCs come back at us with, “This is a terrible time to be doing PR — are you guys completely nuts?”  To which we reply, “Maybe so — and dumb like a fox.”

One obvious tidbit we’ve learned over the years is that when times are tough, people want to see a glimmer of hope. They’re dying to know who’s winning and how. They want somebody to throw them a lifeline — an idea they can follow to emulate the winner’s success. We always encourage our clients to oblige. The key: acting like a leader. A few ways we help them do that:

• Turn success stories into news
• Keep up the news flow
• Show how your products make/save money for others
• Back it up with case studies
• Blog practical advice
• If you’re hiring, let the world know — when you create jobs it means you’re succeeding at what you do
• Seize the opportunities that others dismiss
• Don’t just email press/analysts — talk to them
• Host customer events and invite the media

All the above activities and more build the aura of company with a positive outlook. Is this just some silly Dale Carnegie platitude? Maybe a bit, but the thing is — it works. Customers and media gravitate toward the individual or company with a clear eye and steady pulse during a panic. Need proof?  Then remember how one man stopped a rout merely by standing his ground at the worst of times — an imminent defeat in battle. Seeing his tiny band face the enemy all alone, other troopers halted their retreat, turned around and took up the cry, “There stands like Jackson like a stone wall — rally behind the Virginians!”  They won the day. Neither side in that fight was better equipped or trained. One side was better led and motivated.

Fast forward. When the stock market took a nosedive in 2008-2009, sellers pushed the Dow Jones down to 6000. Guess who was buying in that “depressed” market?: Warren Buffett. Like the famed French banker, Baron de Rothschild, Buffett knows that the time to act and buy is when there’s “blood in the streets.” PR is just the same. How you respond to the opportunity depends — are you a hen or a fox?

That giant’s real genius was in finding a way to provide an incredibly useful service cheap (well, free) while making obscene amounts of money effectively selling the information their free service allowed them to collect. It’s actually an increasingly rare mistake to think of Google as a search engine — it’s really a data company whose sophisticated information management model mines your activity for profit opportunities. In other words, they have a search pipeline, and when you use it, Google’s real customers pump up the company’s profit margin. Ingenious.

But how exactly could the telecom industry be modeling itself on Google? How about by embracing the asset the industry has tried so hard to “grow” beyond — that pipeline of access between customers and everything they now can’t live without. Why is there so much focus on not being “just a dumb pipe,” when providing a portal can net you so much valuable information?

Sophisticated back office systems capable of cataloguing consumers’ connected activity are already in place, but as far as I can tell, no telecom giant has even considered using that information externally — that is, becoming a data company that, like Google, provides a low-cost public service to enable high-profit private sales. In an industry facing skyrocketing demands for infrastructure investment and simultaneous public dissatisfaction with prices, why not change the model and make money off of folks who are happy to pay?

There are any number of possible models, but the one that occurred to me yesterday as I walked downtown was an app-based version allowing highly targeted advertising via my smart phone in exchange for a break on my monthly bill. I’d install that app to save money and get notified when I walk by a bookstore having a sale, or hit lunchtime and wonder who’s having the best daily special. As with Google, ads would be based on me — my location, my interests, even my download history — turning what could be obnoxious into a helpful service. And advertisers would delight in micro-targeted mobile reach — a combination of intense localism and constant interconnectivity.

Customer: Lower monthly bill, targeted advertising

Provider: Happier customer, and new — potentially explosive — dynamic revenue stream

Is it just me, or would that be a win-win situation?

That pipe, then, isn’t dumb unless it chooses to be. And that choice may be likely, given the telecom giants’ longstanding reputation for responding to opportunity at the speed of mud. But just maybe those market pressures — 4G, smart phones, economic pain for consumers — will push a few behemoths to radically reconsider how they make money and off of whom. The opportunity is knocking — unless Google gets there first.

After a week I got the hang of it, tossed the cheat sheet and became more confident. I’d read a bit of the encyclopedia I was selling, liked it and thus believed in my product. Some of that faith in myself and what I was doing rubbed off on customers, who began to welcome me into their homes and buy the good old “Grolier.” Ah, that first sale — what a rush! Soon the sales piled up.

I still got plenty of rejections, too, but even when people said “no” it didn’t bother me. I just moved on to the next door. Some prospects liked a quicker-than-usual sales exit. For example: the apartment full of GIs sitting around in their skivvies drinking beer, who screamed, “another danged salesman! — let’s kill the MFer!” then chased me through the streets of Arlington. Odds are they just wanted to scare me, but I kept running anyway.

Another thing I learned that summer, in addition to the importance of staying in shape, was that people love to tell you their life story. So whenever I got invited inside and started spreading my four-color brochures on the living room floor, I’d intermingle my sales chat with Qs asking people what they did, if they’d been in the DC area long, and if not, where they came from.

One thing led to another and pretty soon I had a little mini-bio in my head of each one. After talking, often people would take a closer look at what I was selling, ask a few questions, then sign the contract. As I left I always thanked the customer for his or her business and said I hoped they’d enjoy their encyclopedia for many years to come.

That job also taught me the importance of knowing when to leave.

One night, as the sales manager was driving four of us sales reps to our drop-off points, he asked, “Anybody here mind working with African-Americans?” I did a double-take. Was this some kind of bad joke? But three hands went up. “So you’re okay with it, Crawford?” I saw his eyes questioning me in the rear view mirror and replied, “Yeah, perfectly okay.”

When they picked me up later that night, my colleagues seemed annoyed that I’d made more sales than all the rest of them put together. I couldn’t resist getting my digs in. “Funny thing,” I said, “it seems wherever you go, everybody’s money is the same color.” I resigned the next day.

In the years that followed, as I worked my way through college and grad school, I had a number of jobs — laborer, machine operator, highway maintenance man, librarian, dark room tech, theater manager, campground manager, telemarketer — but the one that best prepared me for my career in journalism/PR was that stint in “door-to-door.” Today, when interviewing candidates for PR jobs, I ask if the job seeker has ever worked in sales. A sales background isn’t an essential qualification, but those that have this experience have likely learned a few key nuggets that I prize:

1. PR is Sales. Sure, you need to be creative, an excellent writer, know all about traditional and social PR, and have a deep understanding of your customers’ and prospects’ business, to name the more obvious qualifications. But just as importantly, you must know how to sell your product — to both sets of clients: the customer who needs PR and the journalist looking for a great story.
2. Belief in Yourself and in the Product. Your enthusiasm must shine through. People buy from “true believers” who love what they do and the companies they represent. You can’t fake this. If the art of crafting and selling stories is “just a job” to you, and you’re not passionate about your clients, people will pick up on it.
3. Persistence Despite Rejection. Whether you’re trying to win a new client, get an existing client to try something new, or pitching a journalist on a story idea, you’re going to hear “no” a lot. PR, like sales, is a career for the thick-skinned. Those that keep trying despite objections and rejections ultimately win.
4. Knock on New Doors. Part of being persistent is recognizing that sales is a numbers game. The more “calls” you make, the higher your closing ratio. It doesn’t matter that you’re rejected 100 times by 100 prospects if on the 101st try, somebody buys. You say that the editor turned down your story? Ask another editor. Client X rejected your recommended social media campaign?  Maybe client Y will love it.
5. Listen More Than You Talk. PR folk that blather non-stop sound just like those recorded telemarketing spiels, and are just as irritating.  Let your customers talk. Encourage them to open up. What you learn can provide an invaluable opening to sell your services or the client’s story — or may reveal invaluable nuggets that point to other potentially lucrative prospects.
6. Agility. It isn’t often in PR that you have to run for your life to escape customers or media intent on doing you bodily harm. But you should have the wits to recognize danger signs and head off problems that can negatively impact your relationship with customers, prospects and media.
7. Go Where the Money Is. PR professionals sometimes stay in the comfort zone of a niche, e.g., a type of customer or a set of business practices, letting a bias limit their business. Smart salespeople and PR pros always stay attuned to opportunity. They follow the money and are never afraid to try something new.
8. Never Endure the Intolerable. “The current economy” is a phrase popular with those who like a ready excuse for indolence. Recently I spoke with several PR people who admit to hating their jobs and/or bosses, but are staying put because “it’s impossible to find another opening right now.” Don’t fall for that. Point 1: Gifted sellers, whatever their specialty, are always in demand. Point 2: If you hate where you work and what you do, count on losing that job — your attitude will show in your performance.

You say you have no sales background? That’s a pity — You’ve missed one of the most valuable work experiences that life has to offer: Looking a customer in the eye and convincing them that the benefit of what you have to offer is well worth parting with their hard-earned cash. Fewer jobs are harder or more rewarding — or provide an experience whose lessons are applicable across such a variety of career fields.

Lack of sales experience isn’t the end of the world for a PR pro. Many outstanding PR people have never so much as sold a Girl Scout cookie. No big deal, as long as they don’t let absence of a sales record turn into disrespect.

There’s an unfortunate tendency among some professionals to look down on salespeople (and let’s face it, PR people, too) as snake oil peddlers and Willy Loman stereotypes. Such an attitude is as ill-informed as any other bias. If you’re in that fool’s camp, I encourage you to pick up and peruse the balance sheet of any successful enterprise. Those big black revenue numbers at the bottom of the page were put there by the men and women of sales.

That said, here is a simple “Sweet 16″ checklist of items you should address before every trade show.

The “Sweet 16″ Trade Show PR Checklist

1. Goals. What are your PR goals for the show — media coverage of a major product launch or partnership, thought leadership in a critical market sector, establishing rapport with key analysts? The best goals are simple, finite and achievable.
2. PR-Worthy. Is there a registered press list, and if so, do the number and value of attending press justify the effort to achieve your goals?
3. Conflicts. Check that the date doesn’t overlap with any other event your company may be participating in. If there is a conflict, do you have the staff or other resources to do PR for multiple events?
4. Special Events. What show events will your company be participating in that might be a “draw” for media –a c-level keynote, executive roundtable/panel session, or special reception?
5. News and News Value. Are you planning to announce news, and if so, is the news sufficiently big to justify press meetings and to withstand competing news that could syphon off press interest?
6. News Readiness. If the news is a product launch, are you 100% certain that the product will be ready in time? If the news involves a partner or customer, are you 100% certain that they’ll be on board — and in time? Nothing is worse than building media anticipation and then shutting it down because you don’t have your act together.
7. Press Conference – No! Forget about it. Unless you’re announcing the Second Coming, count on being upstaged at the last minute by some competitor with a bigger story. Almost as bad as canceling news: Having to introduce your CEO to a sea of empty press room chairs.
8. Press Briefings. If your heart is set on meeting press, begin your outreach at least one month ahead of the show. Journalists’ schedules fill up quickly.  If you’re planning news, tell ‘em that much, no more — don’t give the story away beforehand.
9. Meeting Site. If you don’t have a nice quiet meeting compartment in your booth (or have no booth), rent cubicle space from the show organizers for your meetings. Never try to stage a press briefing on the open show floor. That’s like meeting in a wind tunnel.
10. Contact Info. Get the journalist’s/analyst’s mobile number — and give them yours. People run late, get lost, get a better date and send a replacement, etc. You need to be able track down the missing party.
11. Show Daily Deadline. Do you want your news to appear in the show daily? If so, expect the editors to request your announcement as much as 3 to 4 weeks in advance: Very few now have the time to report news the day it is released — that space was probably booked by a smarter company that submitted its announcement weeks ahead of time on an embargoed basis.
12. Advances. If you want to do an advance, plan on contacting targeted press at least three weeks ahead of the embargo date. Everybody’s doing advances these days, with the result that reporters’ schedules are as clogged two weeks before a show as at the show itself.
13. Spokespersons. Which executives will be in attendance? Are they media trained and video trained? Increasingly, media opt for video interviews, so make sure your spokesperson is comfortable on camera.
14. Customer Missionaries. Can you bring an enthusiastic customer to the show for press meetings? Customers that give you a rave are golden.
15. Social Media. It’s pointless trying to ramp up spur-of-the-moment social media campaigns to support trade show activities. Communicating via social media with appropriate journalists and bloggers should be a regular function of PR, not something you throw together at the last minute. Those relationships — if genuine and well-maintained — will give you an “in” to build excitement beforehand for announcements or demonstrations at the show, and keep you informed about the media’s goals, plans, and reactions.
16. Lastly — Take a PR Person! To save money, many companies have stopped bringing PR experts to trade shows. It’s a foolish economy. You need a communications pro on hand to handle all the details of trade show PR, provide an unbiased assessment of the results, resolve any problems that arise, and do followups afterward.

“Back up a second,” I say. “You’re forgetting Priority #1.”

Most people assume that the key job of PR is to win media coverage, raise brand awareness and help fuel revenue growth. In fact, that stuff only comes after you attend to Priority #1: The FUBAR Checklist — a comprehensive examination, in advance, of everything that might go wrong.

If you don’t consider all the ways that your company or client can screw up, you’re asking for the PR Gods to descend from the heavens and give you a public flogging.

Though FUBAR Checklists may vary by industry, mine looks something like the following:

Product/Service Announcements

• “Firstness.” Everybody wants to claim a first. A true “first” can be major news. “We’re first!” is also the most abused product/service claim. So ask: Is the product truly a first in the industry, or is it just a first for the company? There’s a big difference. Nobody cares if your company is launching a me-too product for the first time in an already crowded field. They especially don’t care if your launch is just a re-branding of an existing product already in your portfolio.
• Availability. Is the product/service “GA” (generally available, i.e., can people buy it once announced), or planned for some indefinite GA launch day in the future?  If it’s just a dream in some product engineer’s head, you’ll find out why media scorn such announcements as vaporware.
• Timing. Start with the obvious and check the calendar for conflicts with holidays. Then expand the field to look at anything that might compete with your announcement and syphon off media interest: (1) scheduled earnings announcements by competitors; (2) planned events where major tech companies have a history of issuing big stories (Apple Worldwide Developer’s Conference comes to mind); (3) planned tech events such as SXSW that will hog the headlines. If there’s a conflict with any of these, pick a better day.
• Partner SNAFUs. If you’re integrating another company’s product with your own, or OEM’ing a product/service, make sure they’re on board with the timing of your announcement. Otherwise, expect delays. Never ever offer a journalist an advance on an announcement that involves a partner. The partner will for sure hold up the story, possibly forcing you to reschedule or cancel the interview.

Spokesperson(s)

• Availability. Never assume that the C-level executive breathing down your neck to get a service announcement ready will actually be on-hand for interviews when the story goes on the wire. Make sure they’re in. If necessary, even stage the timing of the announcement around the primary spokesperson’s availability. Have two back-up spokespersons on-board, just in case. We once had an SVP — the primary spokesperson — board a plane for Hawaii on the day of his division’s big service launch. Fortunately we had backup spokespersons.
• Media Training. In the same way that all C-level bios give the impression that the subject sprang from the womb as a manager, many top executives feel that media skills are the birthright of corporate leadership. Don’t believe it. Train them anyway.
• Technical Familiarity. Just because your spokesperson sits in the corner office doesn’t mean he or she can talk the bits and bytes of a complex technical product or service. Nine times out of 10, they can’t. Always have a tech expert — who is also media trained — on hand and ready to step in and help with tough technical questions.

Skeletons in the Closet

• Secret News. Is the company hiding any “surprise” announcements that might conflict with or undermine your campaign? Is HR planning a layoff? Is Facilities about to close a city office, plant, contact center? Is a key senior executive about to leave (or join) the company? If any of these “secret” events are in the offing, then that — and not your announcement — will be the day’s story. This is not an idle concern: We had a Canadian software company announce a layoff the same day we launched their new product. We had, in fact, asked in advance if any bad news was in the offing. They lied and said no. Guess which story the Globe and Mail covered? Guess which client I fired that day?
• Checkered Past. If an executive has in any way been involved in any questionable activity in the past, it will come out. We were once tasked with announcing a new CEO named — I kid you not — Jerry Felon. As it happened, Mr. Felon’s most recent employer was a West Coast software firm under federal investigation for creative accounting. We asked the rude question about Felon’s possible involvement in the scam and were assured in advance that he was squeaky clean. Out came the news, “XYZ Software Names Felon CEO.”  Three years later Felon left XYZ under mysterious circumstances. Subsequent headline:  “Felon Indicted by the U.S. Department of Justice.”

Granted, there is no guarding against random events. Earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, financial collapses and widespread panic do happen. Not your fault if you announced a new app for sharing butterfly images that day.

Or an editor might decide that your CEO’s face is going to share the cover with the photo of another business leader. . .who happens to be a drag queen. . .as happened to me once.  Here, too, a thorough FUBAR Checklist can save the day and prepare you to handle the infuriated CEO’s call demanding an explanation.

CEO: “How the hell did this happen?!”

Jim: “I don’t know, but look at the upside.”

CEO: “WHAT upside?”

Jim: “Well, at least they didn’t reverse the captions.”

Monetizer (left), Curator (right)

The job’s highlight came in June: covering the annual convention of the Pharmaceutical Sales Representatives Association (PRSA) held in a Motel 6 or Holiday Inn outside Cleveland. Because most pharmaceutical sales reps of that era seemed to be former high school and college athletes dreaming of bygone glory, presentations tended to begin and end with Vince Lombardi anecdotes and quotes.  [When I die and go to hell, the punishment for my sins will be a front row seat at Eternity's motivational festival.]  Since the motel had a decent swimming pool, I alternated between listening to the positive thinking palaver indoors and working on my tan while I typed up story notes. Yes, Virginia, that is what trade reporters really do at such events.

I made sure to catch the last day’s Vince Lombardi Paean delivered by a Wayne Dyer knockoff named Dwayne hired out of Poughkeepsie. With the final “leaders aren’t born, they are made” homage to the old ball coach, the audience leapt to their feet and cheered. The group’s president, a college linebacker gone to flab, rushed toward the stage to open the Q&A session.

“Dwayne,” he panted earnestly, “can you example what you were talking about?”

In that moment, as if the Archangel Michael himself reached down from the heavens and touched me, I knew my life’s mission, or one of them anyway.  I stretched an arm into the aisle and grabbed the mic from president Flubadub.

“Excuse me, Flubs, but did you just use ‘example’ as a verb?”

I’ve been on a tear ever since, outing pompous, inflated and/or inappropriate use of language. It’s a never ending job in the tech sector, where The Word is ruled by experts in verbal inflation.

My current peeves: “curate” as a catch-all verb and “monetization” for making money.

I’m not the first to pick on the expanded use of curate as verb.  The New York Times did the best job back in 2009, noting how those who like “to curate” are indulging in a harmless form of self-inflation. Since then, use of “curate” as a verb has expanded to include any kind of managerial function, e.g., the act of selecting, commenting on and regurgitating somebody else’s news in a blog –which somehow seems a tad removed from the original function of a curator as caretaker of the soul, or of a museum.  Nonetheless, the blogosphere is rife with self-styled curators.

On another front, merely making money from a product simply won’t do anymore. One must “monetize” it.  Again, the blogosphere overflows with advice on how to “monetize” social media.  In the telecom sector there’s a movement to “monetize bandwidth.”  Translation: Make a buck.

“Monetization” sounds so phony that I was surprised to find it’s an actual word dating from the late 19th century. But its specific meaning is to legalize or coin an object as money — not profit from.

In all fairness, what appears strange to me may seem normal to many others.  Those that like to curate and monetize might be right in asserting that I’m over-educationalized and given to pedanting. I’ll mull that while I curate the barn stalls and daydream of monetizing what I muck there.